Life doesn't feel right without school. The days are now long and boring, without much to do. People are busy, too busy for me. That is something I have already grown to acknowledge, that I do not have a substantial role in anybody's life. People always say "No you're important to me". Really? It is confuzzling how I certainly do not feel so. It is easy to say things yet not mean it at all.
That is only the tip of the iceberg.
For the past week or two, I've been trying to keep it in, push it to the back of my head and not think about it, hold back my tears. I know very well the consequences of doing this, one day when all these emotions finally get to me, it won't be a pretty sight.
I thought I was doing well. My days were going fine, the misery was bearable. Maybe it's because for four days, I haven't had much time for anything else. I'll set off for work early, come home very late and knock out the moment I hit the bed. That has been helping me keep my mind of things.
But now that I'm no longer working, look at how pathetic I am. I can't last one day on my own without any company. Having nothing to busy myself with, everything starts to sink in. The feelings I tried to keep away all come out to play. It's true, I can run but I can't hide.
I really hate to see myself cry. I hate to feel so weak and vulnerable to the actions of others. I hate to feel so useless. But that's all I really am; weak, vulnerable and useless.
